I Made a Star Wars Reference

Ok so it's cold. And I'm lucky. I "had" to go out to my friends birthday party and I was pissy cause it was at a bar I don't like and cause I work early tomorrow. I'm a selfish piece of crap.

As I left I was approached by a guy that asked for anything I could spare, all I had was $20. I gave it to him. He was shocked. He kissed my hand twice. I said bless you brother. All I saw was my drug addled, freezing brother when I was a kid. I have no doubt that instead of using it to fnd a way to his mothers house that it became something he used to snort or shoot, but I'm almost always wrong and I hope I am in this situation.

I guess this hits me hard cause of my New Years resolution or epiphany or whatever you want to call it. I've pitied myself over my marriage ending and me leaving a financially lucrative, but soul-crushing job...I decided it's time to turn it around and it's only by a higher power and friends and family, that not everybody is blesssed with, that I'm not cold and alone on a street. My struggle this afternoon to max out my credit card to enter a race I really want to do and to get last years Asics Cumulus seems so petty in comparison to what he has to face.

I've supported Back On My Feet, an organization that gives hope and structure to people in need, almost since I started running distance 5 years ago. I'm glad to support them to this day.

I guess tbe point is, whether you think it will help them get a bed or a rock, don't underestimate how much your ear or coin might be enough to make a difference. Don't give up on trying to give.

This feels backwards

I was asleep by 10:30 last night, new year's eve, and was up at 6:23 this morning, which has allowed me a lot of time to think today. My conclusion, I'm feeling truly, honestly hopeful for the first time in a long time. And this...seems backward. I reflected on last new year when I had a girlfriend that cared for me deeply and would do almost anything to see me happy and I had started a new job in which I was lucky enough to work with one of my favorite people in the world, but I was scared, uncertain and felt lost. However, here I am today, no girlfriend and no real prospect of one and, although I help with the family business, I'm basically unemployed and looking for a career.

Maybe it's the patience and perseverance I gained over the last 12 months, but I'm happier and more open to the possibility of a bright future now that I have a lot to gain, instead of being comfortable in the wrong place having made wrong decisions.

At any rate, I'm happy to be here and ready to accept all the blessings this life has to offer.

Reflections aren't just for ponds and mirrors

Christmas Eve would have been my dad's 66th birthday. He's been dead just over 14 years now and out of my life for another 12ish before that. I visit his grave every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death in the end of October. I don't remember a whole lot of him, but he cared. There are stories. He was quick to laugh and he was quick to help a friend in need, great electrician and voracious reader. He was also a heavy drinker and would sometimes punctuate talks with my mom with his hands...also, liked gambling...especially the horses, which is why I dislike those majestic animals. In another time he may have been diagnosed a manic depressive or bi-polar, but he wasn't somebody to get help so he was just recognized as a blue collar guy that drank too much, lived life exactly how he wanted and was given a pass sometimes becauses he was a medic in Vietnam and saw things nobody should.

For a long time I didn't know what to make of both sides, but as I grew older I've learned to appreciate and try to forgive. I learned what a man is and what one isn't from him...or the lack of him. I understand that he did the best he could, but some people have a different path that is full of bumps and inner struggles that aren't easy.

Anyway, I hope he's found peace wherever he is and can look down with some sort of pride on who I've become and what I hope to grow into.

I Shall See the Beauty and Run Through It

I got the wonderful news that I was accepted through the lottery and will be running the Credit Union Cherry Blossom 10-Miler in April. I love this race! It will be my third time doing it and I'm so excited. Washington is a great city with such beauty and culture. The race is well-organized with a superb course and supportive volunteers.

Also, I think it's great to have a goal race again. It's no secret I've lost some motivation along the way the last few years and while still running and training it wasn't with the same vigor. So here's to the future and personal growth!

Howdy Howdy Howdy

It's been a few months since I last posted. Life got in the way as it does sometimes. Been looking for a new job and working a few part-time ones in the interim. Also, had a few dates, read some books tried some good brews...mostly just tried to get by.

I've still been training, but mostly weights and gym stuff. I still ran when I wanted to, or as needed for wear tests, and I still biked as I wanted to, or needed to for wear tests, but mostly lots of strength building.

I honestly didn't realize how much running and the confidence that came with it was tied to my marriage. I really just started doing distance races as a way to entertain myself when my ex-wife had roller derby things. It took some serious reflection to realize part of what was making the long runs so hard was that they were drudging up subconscious memories. Well, I've started trying to address that and developing a race plan for next year. Unfortunately, my finances are going to limit race entries and travel, but that's just that much more motivation to make the ones I do count!

Until next time...all the best.

Simple, honest truths

I learned/realized a long time ago I'm not a good runner. A 7:4ish mile mid 5k won't change the world and 9:16 mile mid-half won't either. I did it to prove I could. An overweight, asthmatic, could work toward and conquer what they thought they never could. Ironically, along the way I found many sympathetic friends and a ridiculous amount of running knowledge.

I told my friend the other week I quit. No more running. No mas. I wasn't totally truthful. Since the bug hit me, I can't give it up. I found peace putting one foot in front of the other.

That said, I've gotten back to lifting, my first and most enduring passion. I feel good. I feel fulfilled...at least in one aspect. So you wanna hit a slow few miles holla, but in the meantime I'll be grunting with the basement weights.

Random dribblings #1

I guess there was hope. There wasn't much of anything. An idea? Maybe. Could this be the truth that we were aiming for? Could be lots of things, I suppose, if we played our cards just right. Bluff and retreat. I saw her eyes betray her intentions. That beautiful mouth bent around empty words. Hidden truths. Here is what I'm willing to give. Baby steps of a broken forever. Again and again. One should know better at this point, but one can't help but to hope. Contentment is a foul and contemptuous mistress. A line crossed.