Saturday, November 9, 2013

I Christmas'd Myself

It finally happened. I finally checked my ego and accepted I'm going to be staying here longer than I thought. When my ex-wife asked me for a separation in June of 2012 and ultimately a divorce that Aug, my early 30's male brain blew a gasket.  My heart was hurting and I somehow felt really indignant that all I had was my childhood bed and 8ft of garage space at my mom's to call home and try to rebuild. So I did what any rational person would, acted totally irrational.  Got pissy, occasionally threw pity parties( table of 1), I made constant promises to myself like "ok, but it's only going to be 3 months"(it's been over a year) or "just til I get out of debt"(thanks to my hospital visit and subsequent time off work I'm now roughly 4k deeper in), but I just kept trying to stroke my ego and not despise my situation.  What I thought were life plans or goals were really just mental band-aids to something I didn't think I ego.

Ok, soooo now for the cheery part.  As I've harped on in nearly every post, I've changed.  I'm in a good spot...not finished, not where I want to be, but making actual positive steps and not just falsely trying to reassure myself of man/adulthood.  And in that vain I took a step back and realized how lucky I am to have had a roof to come back to or a tiny spot to store my stuff or a mother, who God bless her, was willing to try and be supportive of her son's mental and physical difficulties.

I'm mentally and definitely physically stronger and better prepared than I was a year ago.  I finally realized all this and I realized that if I'm going to follow my plan to really run and bike again, to do races next year...well, I'm going to have to open some baggage.  Not the emotional kind, that's been opened, dumped, sorted, pissed on, set on fire, covered with tears, swept back in the bag, then redumped and resorted.  No, real bags...the garbage kind, as when I "moved" that is what I had on hand after my two suit cases and a duffel were full.  So, I finally went through and found running shorts, pants, shirts I forgot I had or thought I lost and some cycling shorts I spent part of the Summer looking for.  Also found a box of Nathan Hydration( my favorite brand) stuff that I won in a contest or got for volunteering for them a couple of years ago at the PhillyTri.  It was like an endurance Christmas! I'm excited to have it. I'm excited to use some and tuck some away.  And I'm certainly excited to break it out in the Spring, put one foot in front of the other and get back to crossing some finish lines!

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